Quotes

Joe: Where do you normally play?
Jess: In the park.
Joe: No... I meant what position?

Paula: All I'm saying is, there's a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella!

Wedding Guest: Lesbian? Her birthday's in March. I thought she was a Pisces.

[explaining to Joe how she got the large burn scar on her thigh that makes her shy of wearing shorts]
Jess: I was eight. My mum was working overtime at Heathrow. And I was trying to cook beans on toast. And I jumped up to the grill to get the toast. And my trousers caught light so my sister put me in the bath, poured cold water over me and pulled them off. And half my skin came off too.
Joe: Sorry.
Jess: I know - it put me off beans on toast for life.

Paula: Don't tell me. The offside rule is when the French mustard has to be between the teriyaki sauce and the sea salt.

Video Man: Eyes down. Don't smile. Indian bride never smiles. You'll ruin the bloody video.

Joe: Look, Jess. I saw it. She fouled you. She tugged your shirt. You just overreacted, that's all.
Jess: That's not all. She called me a Paki. But I guess that's something you wouldn't understand.
Joe: Jess, I'm Irish. Of course I understand what that feels like.

Paula: Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes!

Wedding Guest (older woman): She's not Lebanese, she's Punjabi!

[Re: Jesminder's breasts]
Dressmaker: Don't worry, Miss Bahmra. Our designs will make even these little mosquito bites look like juicy, juicy mangos!

Jules: Me and Jess were fighting because we both fancy our coach... Joe.
Paula: [pause] Joe, a man, Joe?
Jules: [exasperated] Yeah, as in male, Joe! Joe, our coach, Joe, man, Joe!

Woman at Party: [to Jess about marriage] Now do you want a clean-shaven boy like your sister, or a proper Sikh with full beard and turban?

Jules: Mother, just because I wear trackies and play sports DOES NOT MAKE ME A LESBIAN!

Tony: Look, Jessie. You can't plan who you fall for. It just happens. I mean, look at... Posh and Becks.
Jess: Well, Beckham's the best.
Tony: [chuckles] Yeah! I really like Beckham too.
Jess: Well of course you do. No one can cross a ball or bend it like Beckham
Tony: [shakes head] No, Jess. I *really* like Beckham.
Jess: What? You mean...
[incredulous scoff]
Jess: But you're Indian!

Jess: Anyone can cook aloo gobi, but who can bend a ball like Beckham?

Paula: Do you not realise that you have a daughter with breasts?

Jess: I'm sorry I missed that penalty, coach.
Joe: It's okay, losing to the Jerries on penalties comes natural to you English. You're part of tradition now!

Paula: You know Jesminder, I cooked a lovely curry the other day.

Paula: That's why she's been so depressed lately cos' that Jess broke her heart! She's in love. With a girl!
Alan Paxton: You're jumping to all the wrong conclusions
Paula: But I heard her! No wonder she never looked twice at the Kevin or brought any boys home. I tried to get her nice clothes, you know we've had some lovely prints in this summer you know in swimwear and sarongs and that. She never wants to go shopping with me. It was terrible what they did to that George Michael going on about him and his private business in the papers like that! Oh No!
Alan Paxton: George Michael is still a superstar and you still listen to Wham!

Tony: Well you fancying your gorah coach is OK with me. Besides, he's quite fit!

Jules: Anyway being a lesbian's not that big a deal
Paula: Oh no of course not sweetheart no. I mean I've got nothing against it. I was cheering for Martina Navratilova as much as the next person.

Jess: I didn't ask to be good at football, Gura Nanak must have blessed me.

Mrs. Bhamra: [after having agreed to let Jess go to America] At least I taught her full Indian dinner, the rest is up to God.

Joe: Can't keep losing all my best players to the Yanks now can I?

Joe: Maybe after they train you up I'll sign you - if I can afford you.
Jess: Yeah you wish!

Joe: Your mom's a barrel of laughs compared to my dad.

Mrs. Bhamra: Your sister's getting engaged and you're sitting here watching this skinhead boy!
Jess: Mom, it's Beckham's corner!

Mrs. Bhamra: What family would want a daughter-in-law who can run around kicking football all day but can't make round chapattis?

Joe: Look, I can't let you go without knowing.
Jess: What?
Joe: That even with the distance, and it concerns your family, we might still have something. Don't you think?

Jules: [after seeing Jess almost kiss Joe] You bitch!

Jess: [after family accuses her of kissing a white boy who is really Jules] Me? Kissing? A boy? You're mad. You're all bloody mad.

Jess: Why are you doing this to me, Joe? Every time I talk myself out of it, you come around and make it sound so easy.
Joe: I guess I don't want to give up on you.

Joe: You're lucky...to have a family that cares that much about you. I can understand you don't want to mess with it.
Jess: Joe-
Joe: And I don't fancy being busted by your dad again. You better get back.

Jess: Joe! I'm going! They said I could go!
[Joe & Jess hug tightly]
Men in Background: Oi, oi, oi!
Jess: I'm sorry, I forgot.
Joe: That's okay now. I'm not your coach anymore. We can do what we want.
Jess: Joe...
Joe: Your dad's not here, is he?